"Jangan macam lalang, tegak je. We must be flexible, open and approachable. If this is th character you portray, then its not their fault all of your relationship seems broken & th fact that you guys are not so close anymore."
How can ibu?!
Sh should know whats eating me up, what i had been preserving and these conditions I had tried t deal with.
We were talking about O's and once again, sh keep on dwelling about me not wishing Kak Ara for her ofcourse excellent 8 points.
I wanted to, I swear!
But Ibu should iiiisshhhh(clenched fist)...freakingly know how self-conscious i am with them.
Sh should comfort me, give me strength and basic support not babbling on my sickeningdespicableshameful kesilapan.
Sh too should know i cannot work under pressure.
If not, I'll be you know, focusing on th tension than th exam, itself.
Annnnnnnd th fact that i feel so small.
My cousins, almost all of them are from TKG generation and Kak Ara, Cedar.
I know we used t be so close, we bathe tgth and have th same pj and share our mk&a books and spend th night rolling off your queen-sized bed and pillow fights with 'medan peperangan' and want t share th same akazukin chacha character, although we didn't.
But th ditch between us so damn deep.
Now, it gets different.
I'm proud of you, really.
Infact, sometimes i look up to you as my role model.
Cause yeah ibu always speak about you all th time.
Its suffocating now i'm wondering what would happen in our upcoming bbq.
Sighsighsighsighsigh.



Its funny how people see you as someone you think you're not.
I always get compliment i have good face-offs.
nadrah; maybe you're th reason why i've been working on my acting skills.
Not that i wanna be an actress.
Its just this thing we girl fight about.
Anw, sometimes, i put on a mask because i think its real unnecessary for ppl t know what i feel.
Because, if we can avoid them, why not?
&So i remembered Rohani who keep calling me confident.
Everywhere! On my last testimonial, in class discussion, on my weekly presentation and my final speech.
Yeah, she's th woman who sings "top of th world, lookin.Down on creation& th only smthsmth that i have. Its th world that i found &th since you've been around,blahblahblah."
She's th one i keep looking forward t t every saturday.
Not forgetting Lopez.
No, Izzati, he's not yours.
Th first time he opened th building door, our eyes met for two seconds (which is quite long you know).
&he keep on hanging out at th doorway (i hope) t grab my attention.(&its not my fault i fell for it)
Th first day i registered for lessons, he peeped into class, t see who's my trainer.
&I can't get over him for weeks!
Haha. If you do not know, I like to comfort myself.
I do that all th time. Ask Ewee and Sem.
&All they do, is laugh it off.
But good thing they understand me.
Anw, back t Rohani.
Sh asked me what do i wanna be 20 years later.
&this triggered my conscience.
"Perhaps a director, i wanna show people what they're unsure of. I wanna snap into them real life. Nono, maybe marykate&ashley. Okay maybe Ashley. I wanna be a media face &once i have that in control, i can influence ppl abit more easily. Or should i be an ordinary person? Teacher definitely. I can instill good characteristics in them, for a better future, for th world, for themselves."
That was all i could think of that smack moment.
& sh was definitely hard on me.
Sh said, "No, Nafisah, you can't do that. When you want your dream t come true, you have t imagine real explicit scenes & specific ones. For example, director, you have t imagine you're on th chair, getting all Fucked up (yes sh said that) and scolding them for their egoness perhaps? You can't possibly catch two trains at a time."
Then i started t wonder, i have to make a choice.
I wanna do smth i couldn't get bored of, smth that makes me happy, smth that is incentive t th world, smth, ofcourse which could supply me with lots of kachings!
So, tadda! Psychologist.
But i dunno.
10 years t become a real professional one; like a doctor.
I dunno i can wait that long.
"Course of true love never did run smooth"
True love=psycho.
So lets do this!
:DDD