I feel I’m getting old before my time. So send someone to love me cause I need to rest in arms to keep me safe from harm.

dont catch me ▲▲

You'd expect to be level-headed and consolidated when wrapping up th year. But at th mean time, I was left destitute of safety or a person stable enough to save me. People expect you to be polished all th time, to put in effort to try to resent perpetual misery and just fucking stop talking about emotional nonsense. They know its difficult, but they dont know how to listen. &Sometimes we dont want to be sophisticated &flawless or pretty either; we'd want to just make plenty of hideous mistakes but still having people at th end of th day who thought it was graceful. There are no premonition anymore, this is danger. Jumbled up thoughts with receding conformity wont let me settle to a decision when guns are pointed to your head. I have a weightage of things on my shoulder and no party's giving me mercy. Sometimes all you need is help &they're making it difficult just for mindless fun.

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3.35am

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Tell me everything's gonna be ok.

lie to me ▲▲

Sometimes lies are so addictive. Addictive as you tell them w th confidence that th other party will never find out but especially more addictive when they were told to you while knowing its a lie. Maybe addictive's not th word. Take it from a different angle perhaps, lies to a certain extend are considered as stories; not wholly truthful (fictional, in another) but demand as equal imagination; what more on spontaneity. &Then it comes a point when I just want to be lied at w/o being revealed th truth. Patience can only hide so little of your weakness for a short period; so you need an affordable way to hide more flaws of life then yield to drugs or cigarettes. You still need creativity to lie to yourself tho. How else do you think dreams work?

bells are ringing ▲▲

I spent th whole of ytd night figuring out who th hell was most of th people who sent me (unconditionally lacking) christmas text msges??!! Of some I do actually know &I love them, yes. I still dont celebrate christmas tho.

uneasiness ▲▲

i am always socially awkward with big groups of people. i know its harmless socializing, but it always makes me feel like a dog sniffed by another dog. being sized up, defined &categorized within th only ten seconds we started introducing ourselves. if th dog is a guy, he'll take a re-considering sniff &if it's a woman, sh'll give you th pity look &think you need consolidation. well, it took me too long to realize that no one really wanted my opinion in a fast-paced conversation circle. &even if they do, you aint supposed to elaborate. i spent my days talking too much while every day ends up not being heard. its a feeling i dont want to recur again. so rly, if you aint sincere, just suck it, please.

cynicism &denial ▲▲

I've been reading tons of material lately. Political wise, general knowledge, fiction, of personal matters, jokes, confessions whatever th fuck ppl want to be heard of. Sometimes they say there is no necessity reading between th lines and analyse, because th writer may not thought as much as we inferred but to give credit for ones who apprehensively display false level of humility and humbleness is beyond me. Th fact that you apply for a platform to be trained in order to superficially impress &adore people while emitting a rehearsed sly amount of mucking around is fucking disgusting. I have honestly never met a group of antagonistic who ganged up tgth to belittle another minority, consciously or subconsciously. Sounding as vindictive as I am, there are ppl out there, subhuman, semi-opinionated, wholly influenced, who's more critical than I am, who stands up to th fucking establishment just for fuck's sake, be merry about it, feel likable &kick people around as they like w th attained superiority! Well this people, they grew up in a secure, air-tight bubble that through age &unexpanded mindset, has the "I dont care about anyone else except myself &my clique" chip off their shoulder.

careless ▲▲

chasing dreams ▲▲

I think there are three types of happiness in life. One, of love, second of freedom &th other of inspiration. &Honestly to speak, there were more times I could rely on th occasions I was inspired &being free than expecting to be loved back. Being inspired &having th liberty to do things in accord of one's personal attributes flourishes th relationship between oneself- and that is key before we even move forward to having any relationship at all. It's self driven and dependable as we confide on th mental capitulation that affects us. We are entrusted to fix ourselves but we have no capability of such to mend other people together, see. Falling back in demand of other's affection is like putting yourself in jeopardy &uncertainty. Sometimes is enough. Everytime is too much.

changing mood in my mood ring ▲▲

I am snuggling on my armchair &have been playing w my hair eversince I woke up this morning. New Year's speeding up at my doorstep &similar to last year, I have a desperate longing for an edgy hair cut. Actually it doesnt matter how or what I want this time round, I just need it to change. But in my peripheral vision, I have me a long hair w messed up curls- I just can't wait for it to grow! Still, I refuse to contemplate having extensions. My mum said if this is solely for appearance, I should forget it. I believe sh still has an old-fashion outline of bringing up girls w pretty, long hair. &Should I say that no hairdo or make-up or clothes can internally shape a woman, it does improve thee self-esteem and that, hands down, does build up a woman. Its aesthetics, know. I mean whada you know? You'll be staring at yourself every single day in th mirror &even if you dont want to, what are th chances of you not coming face to face with one? Beauty affects oneself. &Even though its not self-esteem issues, th idea of self-experimenting is luring enough. Its like you'd imagine another whole other person deep inside you awaiting to crawl out under your skin. I believe I've alot more to find out.

You &I can write a bad romance. ▲▲

My fear of attachment is looming over me.

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I am sitting in front of my laptop here, today, now at 12.31 am pretending th whole bloody day never ever happened at all. A wise person would grab th opportunity, stall smooth sexy tactics, think that this is fate &NOT self inflict oneself! This situational outburst is purely nauseating, I tell you! &My reliable companions (a few, that is) are not picking up my calls!

SAVE ME ▲▲

Right now I'd wear a few sets of black overalls, sophisticatedly designed black tights, high heels, all th accessories that I own &a black trench coat all th way up to my neck then walk over to a bare ground, take a shovel, start digging, &drop dead inside. That way, I'll die in style no? If you cant live in majesty, we should die in one, I reckon. Plan B is to stalk Oprah in hopes of having luck by my side in my last few hours, an assassin should stalk her down too, but I'll save her just in time before th bullet pierces through her chest. I'll be like, "Oh no, Oprah, watch out!" I'll jump immediately with my face facing hers to be convinced tt sh'll have a photographic memory of my facial expression. Before th ambulance arrives &before I took my last breath, sh touched my hand &stroked my forehead then I'd say, "Live for me, please." &Then th police found my bag &sh'll sob &say, "I'll keep those" &then sh rummages through it &found my diary. Sh'll lock herself in from th world's faces but when sh retrieved all her nerves back &stop hiding from her enclosure after th traumatic incident, sh'll say this to th whole world, "Sh was a beautiful woman I never knew, but I wanted to. I found her diary &I read it. It's so insightful, so magical. I can't believe a girl who has potential more than life has no opportunity of such. Sh should still be living, therefore I'm publishing her book."