Do not run away from your feelings.
Feed them and they'll figure out another plan.
(this doesn't include anger please. extinguish that bad vibe)



I saw a guy today when i was heading home from AMK after a day with Shima.
Accompanied her to shop for a yellow outfit for her other cousin's party.
I thought yellow was indeed very nice with jeans and heels.
But choose the sun yellow, not too bright, not so dull.
(Freak, now i feel like throwing a gunny sack at this kid one level below at th multi-purpose hall who's screaming weird languages and his high pitch tone is not gonna put me into a more deserved state. I too feel like dumping him in th trash can, yeah those green ones)
I rarely hate kids, serious.
Infact, i could actually put up any scenes with them, not now though.
I didn't know when this came into me but i think it has gotta do with last Friday's freaking revelation, freaking f***ing people.
Sorry back on track.
We didn't see each other for quite some time.
Me and Shima i mean. For atleast 5 years?
We were best friends during p1 and we share th same favorite teacher and we share th same buddy who took good care of us for recess and well, we were th ones who have each others back when we have to sing "we can take a little trip around spore town in a spore city bus...." on the podium early in th morning infront of th whole Yuqun pri.( but i moved to merlimau th next year)
Oh and Ms Phua came from th school too!
But she always think I'm sarcastic.
There's this irony cause when I'm sarcastic, she took me seriously, and when I'm really speaking truth, she doesn't even care to listen.
Like this point, when she's sharing to th whole class sh alr finished watching heroes season 2, & so i told her too, i did.
But she ignored me. So i guess, she think th whole yuqun pri is fake semata-mata.
Well, i'm not that bad. Nor evil.
I'm only sarcastic when I want to make my point or that i would have figured that sarcasm would be th only way to snap people off their buttcrack and their troubled issues.
Not mocking them though. Because i wouldn't do that.
Maybe sometimes accidentally but I'm not perfect myself then why mock others?
I have my point, you'll see why.
Oh and Shima.
Sh has some tick-offs with her boyfriend, as usual.
I mean not usually her, but typically everyone who has a boyfriend.
& this reminds of some concerning issues of people who seems to see me only occasionally and asking persisting questions whether i have a boyfriend and they would like to see his picture and claims that he definitely should be very special and handsome.
This goes out to Kak Arina and Natria.
*Shakes head.
& if i actually do have a boyfriend, i wouldn't, dunno any rational reasons, to hide him.
& then again, love, its not skin-dipped.
It knows no physical attractions, no bloody money.
I would be freaking happy if i eventually found love.
But then again, who doesn't search for full package?
And again, i would just be evenly contented to know there's someone, out there who loves me.
Well, thats enough.
Oh okay, Shima.
I was occupying myself, sincerely listening to her worries while forgetting about my depressing revelation.
And no, i didn't talk it out to her, cause it would be pathetic and i hate blurting all these shits to any other people than Ummu.
Anw, just now there's a once in a lifetime offer for this dressy red top thingy in th prom shop which initally costs $120 and then dropped to 50! Brrrrr.
I locked my eyes at it and find my way accross th crowd to clutch it.
And just when i touched it, this other girl, who looked like a 19, had her hands on it too.
Well, i give in, not because i'm relatively nice but because she seems to be desperate for some celebrating occasion and her mum, very menacing, by th corner of my eye, folded her arms and i swear i could see some hot-breathing fumes escaping from her nose.
So, i walked away just affording a bitter smile.
I grabbed her hand out th shop and said there is no hope.
But eventually, she found this very exquisite yellow tanky which is abit dressy long with frills at th bottom. Simple but perfect.
Then i had to rush because my mum said we want to go visit nenek, nono, atuk.
Freak! wrong. Busu.
Sigh. I had this other depression.
This week, i saw 3 funerals consecutively.
2 veryvery near my room window and its a distraught and a memory review too.
Th last 2 years, i lost the only 2 grandparents i had left.
First, nenek. Then atuk, th next year.
I miss fidgeting nenek's skin and accompanying her in her room to listen to her stories, even repeated.
I miss tricking atuk into boxing him & taking him to long evening walks on his wheel chair.
But i guess, its really over.
yeah, no one to cuddle with.
Its okay.
Oh guy, overhead bridge, topman tee, jeans, nike shoes and a startlingly handsome face!
And he smells good too.
Thats one of th first thing i would naturally do if i was thinking about someone passing by.
Shima, lives in tamp and so i have all th journey to myself which means i get to wallow on my sadness again.
So i wasn't really in a good mood which is quite bad.
I noticed him when i was walking up th bridge.
I too recognised it was topman as my bro has th exact same shirt.
But i didn't look at him more, cause i figured he doesn't need my attention like he can definitely grab a thousand of others.
So i walked by convincing myself he's just another.
A few steps later, there's a tap on my shoulder and so i turned quite on shock.
I took off my ear piece while he says he saw i dropped this nametag from two years back camp which i hung on my black bag as well, a memoir.
I could only mouthed a thanks and a quick look in his eyes.
My heart skipped. It did a backflip too.
But well again. Temporary emotions. Temporary people.

▲▲

My clues are undefined.
This sighs of upheaval might tell different stories i refuse to expose.
This heart, it hadn't been put to another test

Today was one of th best days of history i gagged.
Except for th periods when we sit for chem and A-maths.
Peipei started her miming in class(if i'm not wrong, since before recess till th end of th day)
and Ewee, being th top entertainer,
decided to improvised peipei's mute act.
I tried to try though. Heh.
Then suddenly Ewee being at th back was whispering to Zul &Fiqah.
& then sh was out of words and was choking her throat out.
Sh was hysterical at that moment so i asked, & sh told me come to her seat
&look to th front.
My god, i couldn't help but burst out too.
I didn't know how to react but it was damn funny.
We saw urmmm, ----------
nvm I'll stop here.
But i feel like saying so,
we saw ~'s panty which was damn sexy.
Haaaaaaaaaha.
But we all felt guilty we laughed.
So, atlast, after awhile of mute laughters, i wrote down a note and pass it to her to well, adjust.
& we saw disgusting sleeping postures in class.
*shakes head.
Sec 4 days are actually my most free-spirited year yet.
I didn't hold back what i wanted to do,
Infact, i surrender to impossible and immediate emotions.
I mean, if you're gonna spend a year with Ewee 24/7 then you could know what i mean.
:DD

Realising you cannot retain the mind of the past, let go of haggling.
Realising you cannot hold on to the mind of the present, let go of grasping.
Realising you cannot attain the mind of the future, let go of expecting.
In this way, you let go of all time, you free yourself from time.

▲▲

So what?
You think you're a guy you could send shivers down my spine?
Please have a bloody good refection on yourself first thank you.
I know showing your fucking face is th only damn thing you're capable of.
Me, i am not afraid of what fate that you're a guy.
Yes, maybe also one day I could display th monster in me.
Your mind, they're stuck in those caveman days.
& I know I will not surrender.
& So you think your anger you build on your own could shake th Earth?
Realize, that you haven't seen th best of me yet.
Realize too, you never know me.
Yes i may not be physically competent but my heart, they're much stronger than your own shrink, indecisive, shaken soul.
Never underestimate what a heart could do.

Breathe in, Out.
In, out.
Good good good.
Okay anyway, I've been slacking this long weekend.
& I'm just panicking for CT2 right now.
I actually planned to well, study all th way butbut there's last minute plans that popped up; that i decided to urmmm, follow.
Thursday we have sports day, which was freaking dumb.
This was th only year I was not under first aid base, okay not including my pioneer year lah.
&This is also th only year i have no casualties to attend to which was no fun at all cause i like chaos(organized ones).
So, all of us just have to stand unwillingly under th sun, entertaining ourselves (oh and th runners too; i mean Cheng ones).
Luckily I have Ewee wimme, cause if not, i plan to urmm, sleep while standing.
But still, I don't like this year's SD at all.
Friday, went shopping with my whole family.
&Today, went to mad for maulidur rasul and yaddayaddayadda.
Now, I just missed Hannah Montana so I'll wait for Suite Life.
Maybe I'll start studying at 8.

▲▲

Syaf introduced me th song quite long time ago from her blog.
It is in th rythm of my steps when i walk,
My mind they figure relations when th lyrics kept repeating in my head.
So here, lets share it with th world too.




Your abundance of absent cast a relentless shadow
But this twisted fate I cannot understand
How wrenched it feels, just before a memory review
i feel my heart a timepiece set in motion
How my lips afford a smile when i return
I yearned for an explicit answer
At th same time, helping my own catharsis
But is th sinning you called deserve th solo
Cause i remembered too you sent hundreds crash to my hopefuls
You aired your history
Th one that set ancient crusties
Which I love to find its blossom
Through th air like a confetti past a non-breathing wasteland
My deadline, a disastrous nightmare
Are you gonna hold your head up high th next time our eyes meet
Or can you figure my malcontents
& Find my magnet
Th powerful one that at occasions, grew stronger and weaker at th same time
Is there even gonna be an imminent lullaby
Or an expected hanging one th fairies try to avoid?

▲▲

Th world is an ugly place but i know there's smth out there, wonderful.
But am i suppose to search th horizons to dig out its secret potential in how it makes ppl feel?
I'm lost, i'm empty, & i'm struggling in my deepest nightmare, my weakest fear.
I tried finding meaning through ppl's eyes, which betrays their bestbelievedtruth or whatmodesty.
I looked up to th sky to its beautiful clouds to figure what life has written for me.
But they refuse to provide me an answer and just continue to smile at me
while passing by like how everyone else did.
I'm not gonna go whichever way th wind blows,
cause I'm still determined to find my own wonderful.
I listened closely to ppl's chatters and their soulful laughters,
watched their struts and their skips,
th way they stuck their head up high and how they try to hide it down low.
But it too, cannot provide me with answers i thought i could have.
Those 3 honest words i've been yearning to hear, th ones i've been missing;
by time it fades to smth much more uglier.
Smth so menacing.
I can only tell by th shimmer of their eyes, which on occasions,
they tell different stories.
& they thought i wouldn't see th flaws between th lines.
They're meaner.
Meaner than me.
Yes, they are much, much more.
I tried replacing those lines they spoke to me but it become a part of me.
A part of what they did to me.
I guess i'm seasons out of time.
& I guess they didn't know me.
I slumped through th crowds wondering whether there's someone too who has just
my same thoughts, whom have been relying on other's bliss rather than their own.
Someone who's had enough.
Someone who can't find her words to speak.
Someone who can't run away but have always been trying to.
Is there someone putting up a smile when they just feel like frowning?
cause i do know and she's lost her faith of being determined & she now followed
what th whole world did to her.
Today,
All they said to me, all th mysteries, i never did believe.
You know i'll never cry.
No i never will, not me, not i.
Back at you now.
Back at you.

▲▲

Yaaaayy to you! Clapclap. -.- not.
Get out from here.

Anyways, I haven't plan about what to do during this term break.
I mean specifically, like take up yoga for example.
But if I'm not wrong there is really no space for time to juggle no more.
I gotta see my stars.
I do, i do.
All i mean is, i have to take actions.
I mean its good you have th recipes and th specific steps to create a dish, but we have to see th end result.
And to see th end result, you gotta fill in th blanks.
So yeah, remind me what am i suppose to do again?

▲▲

Pictures from idk when.
Lols, and yeah abiiit unsatisfying.
5 of us. Odd number means there's gonna be odd one out what right?
I was abiiiiiiiit moody also but heck, as long as they're happy then enough i guess.
& pictures from th click of my unpro hands.

























Okay now.
How long have i let th blog rot?
I guess its long enough t make it an eyesore.
Anw, things had been running pleasantly smooth except for a few foul ones here and there.
But lets be professional about it. I know we'll make it through.
Well, this year would be hell intact man.
And there's alot of programs we have to struggle with like musical, talentime, annual camp, world red cross day and O's (okay lets just put it under programs for awhile to make it sound less pressurizing). Right.
And i hope we can clear out our charred reputation with hq.
I wish we could have some contemplation cause i think they got it wrong and its affecting our future generations down there, somewhere. & To think that Mrs Chong is not doing anything is damn depressingly a huge distraught. Dammit.
Andandand, my common test 1 is something that couldn't bring me to anywhere.
& this is a result of my extreme laziness.

Now too, i'm juggling writing my post and watching HSM2 what's what edition.


And, th second i twist my house's doorknob, my bro immediately told me
HE GOT INTO NYP :DD
So, so proud! He got quite a good grade for his GPA so yeah.
And now, its my turn :(
STRESS.

▲▲