My stomach lurched since th dawn breaks.
Surprises would be cool, wishes(as always) would be very touching &presents would be hmm acceptable, but I wanted something I never had.
Still after 17 revelatory years; I have to say th same things over.
Its still good; cause 17's not so much of a number anw.
I talk as if I'm 71. Bullshit. Hahaha should stop being such a lowdown fucker.
Anw, thank god I wasn't sent home today for a slightly higher temp.
I knew I was sick; physically not so much.

Anyhooos; everybody thanks for th wish via facebk, texts, calls, videocalls(!!), emails &ofcourse live action forward!!
For even remembering or for finding it out just in time or not; lol but its really whatever your slightest thoughts were, I appreciate it! This would compensate whatever I wanna say for awhile cause I'm kinda tired &its kinda cold here; so I wanna turn in!
Ciao!

Labels: 17 minus 13.

revelations. ▲▲

I've been resisting th urge to tear up, hoping if I put th thoughts aside, I wouldn't even have t feel any slightest sourness, that things would get better before I burst.
It's not even worth it, I think, considering my commitment, my sincerity &my all.
I ended up saying; study hard!
I meant it badly, but it was th dumbest of me t twist my words ard thinking they'd do th reverse psycho on me. I should've known only I would do that.
To be understood &be heard; it was necessary like water &air.
I wouldn't say I was dying, cause it takes more than tt to make me feel lifeless; I just felt cheated.
It's like skating on thin ice; &on those moments, you have this burning fire in your soul &a kick in your shoes, saying, "this is gonna be worth it".
But imagine when th ice cracks, you fell into th chilly water, &th ones who were skating ard you, ran madly for their lives.
You're left to either feel bloody stupid or bloody good that you had found it earlier on before th worse appalls.
When I was deciding which one to feel (I should receive applause or what!), I realize I didn't even have t try.
A moment later, I felt numb. Few hours later; I tranquilized myself until I can't feel anything.
That feels good. I was good.

~
Ytd was abit very random, but we had Portuguese food.
I didn't imagine someone can make me feel better afterall th drama.
I can't wait to see you again,

P.s; I just WANTED you guys to be there.
Pp.s; I was testing *Failed.

smth to eye on. ▲▲

Remember th cover of 'use somebody' a few months back?
Here sh is again.

7th heaven. ▲▲

Ohmygossshh
7th HEAVEN IS BACK OR WHUUUUUTTTT (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Star world guys, star world!

reality ▲▲

Th commute is drastic and th view changes. Its like life in Broadway pictures, only abit more bitter because this is real life anyway. I feel I might as well start believing in something- which seems like a hedge to me; than feeling like I never lived at all. Its 4 &I begin to waver on how I thought I could fight this moment, just loosely by myself. But everytime I try t tell myself things are only transitory; I did well jinx my own fate. Permanent I am; but I didnt really want certain feelings to be.

bingit sioooolll ▲▲

Sometimes broken, you can't find some of th pieces back again; being mended was only imaginary.
Sometimes I wish I had a license on things that would show me whether I'd qualify or not, or smth like a warning whenever things are gonna turn out bad, when it's ticking to th red alert; to save me from confusion, to save me from more misfits, &more disappointment.
You know, it was a relief these days, to switch off &just be myself. Not to have get results, or prove a point, or explain why in th world I'm feeling a certain way. I can just have some fun w/o feeling guilty or feeling th need t justify myself.
&There was never really a real conversation I had w anyone eversince school started. Barely, I mean. Th progression fluctuates from time t time, leaving me w blinding feasibility of having any deeper relationship at all. &If you'd ask me, what do I really want; At this moment, I would definitely say people who could take me seriously, ones who could bring me t th other side (god knows what th other side means). I just want to feel a little bit of thrilling; a little bit of heart fluttering moment?
Hahaha who am I kidding?

damaged. ▲▲

I seriously do not get it why this pic scared th shit out of most of my facebook friends (!!!) :(
Min says I look like a murderer (wtf? Baskeeeeeeeeett MIN!!);
then Kak Linda says I look like Taboo from BEP (which is STILL acceptable compared to Min's ridiculous judgement?) (altho I will pretend Taboo's not a guy because excuse me sh's saying I look similar to A GUY!!!! but its ok; hollywood guy?)
&Ching Yan also said sh got scared but ended up saying I look like a hardcore punk rocker (which made evth else waaaay better).
What happened was; I was getting ready to go out w Aries &since my laptop was still on; I roughly checked who was online &sh wass!
So sh asked me what I was wearing &uhm I tried videocalling her but to no avail (as usual-.-)
So I took a pic &uhm which turned out like tt? (but aries didnt say it was scary whaaaat) (ok fine, sorry w that pose lah).
I was my usual experimental self when it comes to th camera?
Alalalala whatever; suit yourself!
Anw, I change alr okay! No need to have nightmares already! Buat malu je -.-

Anyhooooooss, it feels like good ol days when chatted up w Nad &Nurul ytd on th phone.
During th four years; there was never a week/month without midnight chats like that!
It became compulsory soon after......until this year that is.
Oh &after we got off th phone; I aimlessly went to th kitchen &stared at th fridge.
For a minute(or more) until it occured to me that I suddenly had a missing-memory-challenge-thingy? Which dragged on for another 5 minutes until I snapped &guess what I was searching for: ICE!!! But that wasn't th problem! I knew ice was in there; I just forgot for a moment what made me crave for ice &there you go; guess what again!!!
NADRAH'S AN ICE HOOKER/ADDICT (whatever)....
Yeah &on hot/burning times like this; I never had something which made me so concurrently, happy before!
At th sight of crushed ice (like th very very small ones); I was delighted!!!
&So to not kill th moment; I watched Friends :DDDD
AHHHHHHHHHHH GOOD OL, GOOD OL!
Okay now, 12 hours l8r, I'm gonna go back to th fridge &see whether ice could make me happy again.
&If it does; I uhmmm gonna see how long this will last.
&If it doesnt; simple, I'll go watch Friends (:

fever. ▲▲

If this is th June L bug, I'd hate June no matter how many days I looked forward to.
Why th upheaval? Why th state of distress? &Why is everyone questioning me when I couldn't find my anwers?

There's no need to read. ▲▲

How can all of us; created from two lovers, forming a mere blood clot, to some fleshes of meat, to a fragile, puny heart beating outside of our body, to floating in our mum's wombs, to crying when we got out to see th rest of th world etc etc etc; then having different destinies the very next day?
Where's th transition? I thought we were created under similar circumstances, we were meant to have th same chances; same chances of falling in love, of having enough money, of being successful, of having th career we want, of being wherever we want to be. But suddenly how come some ppl are born into poverty (unable to break away out of it), why some were diagnosed with cancer when they're 16, why some were left broken-hearted for th rest of their lives?

Its irrational but I keep feeling there must be a higher level of management where we could get some satisfaction on th deserving &th not so. Why are my chances different? Why am I surrounded by beautiful ppl allotted to beautiful closure? &Why some have an easy way when some never made it?

Its obsessive, I've become a little obsessive, I'm obsessing. Over &over I think; What happened? And when? What should we do now? Are we doing everything right? Are we doing everything we can? Is there something we're not doing?

Sometimes, this obsessing leads to you; as humiliating as this is to admit. I loved th memories; it's th one thing I never got tired of. Who ever knows why one face moves you th way it does. You're a handsome man, of course, but thats not what it is. I recognized something, something like a pull, a magnet maybe, something that made me think I'd trust you &that you'd do th same to me.

But that was th one thing we didnt do. I didnt at first, you did; but you followed by, giving similar treatments, practically showing symptoms of giving up. Of all th moments I could've remembered, why th first one? I was sitting, staring at my food, &then I saw you, talking to your friends, &when you did, you saw me watching you &then I looked away. You then returned th favour but you couldn't really feel my heart on th verge of jumping off my chest. I didnt knew such feelings existed. &I didnt knew it would linger th way it lingers til now. Your friends were still talking, you were looking at them for some time but it looks like you were disattached, &a smile crossed your face, a sly smile. A part of me willed you to come to me, to say Hi but that would've been so slick I'd hated it. A part just like it that. My friends said you look like trouble &til now, they dont understand why... Of all people, I think they should've known th power of it all.

Anw, because of some history like that, any love story that comes in my way could've been defeated in any instance. &Every other people wanted it easy, who wonders why I'm so difficult &unforthcoming; &th reason is clear, I want a story; an extraordinary one that could put off yours. You knew why I'm like that, but you were th one who got it all wrong.

You have no idea ▲▲

"What do you actually want, Icha?"
"Fucking stop asking me ok!"
"Then what th hell can make you happy?"
"I am whaaaat. 'Nothing' makes me happy. No load, no ties, no more pain."
"Do you really want to go back in time?"
Concludes th moot point; I walked away.

Why must I always end up in unnecessary unveiling of such fights?
I am alright &I'll be just fine.
You saw me awhile ago didnt you?
I was smiling wasn't I?
I was just cranky because I need to study for real estate tmr!!
&To answer your question; NO, okay no, I dont want to!!!


Basket.



Cheebye I'm so restless.



I need something.
Uhmm other than more redbulls, &coffee &Amy Winehouse on repeat.
Come to think of it; these are the kinda things put tgth that made me fucking dizzy.
Feel like I need drugs ha ha to uhm detach myself for awhile ha ha.
okay lame -.-
Dont you think its better to smoke cigars than feed on self deception instead?
Which one's better, you tell me?
Human maybe; I think I need that.
A living thing- a breathing one; who can bear th pain of listening to me, looking at me, comforting me, no?
Maybe not ahhh.
Can I start keeping a pet? Kitten, hamsters, not teddy bears?
&Is it true that ppl with pets handle stress better?
Yeah yeah, fuck, midnight's burning baby, where are you &where's my heart yeah?
Where's my faith? Where's my space? Where's my protection plan? Why can't I see anyone here?

Th perfect sky is torn. ▲▲

"I thought I saw a man brought to life
he was warm he came around like he was dignified
he showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn't be that man I adored
you don't seem to know - or seem to care what your heart is for
I don't know him anymore
there's nothing where he used to lie
my conversation has run dry
that's what's goin' on
nothing's fine
I'm torn"

i.
I kind of told him that I couldn't see that fine line that I aimed to cross over anymore.
He said he thinks I'm lost. I said no; I am in the correct place only I didn't know my direction. That was two weeks ago.

ii.
She said, what if I gave you 10 million bucks? What would you wanna do? I said I don't really know; I'm quite comfortable lacking of money. Its as if she wanted to say I'm not putting in any effort into substantial thoughts; but she remained silent &stared into th blank air as if wanting to find th line to my full circle. When sh was in front of th classroom, sh asked me again. I said maybe do some business or invest on blue chips. But I dont really want that. I just want her to stop being curious. That was 2 weeks ago.

iii.
I told 3 of my bestfriends that I had been wanting to cry almost everytime. They wanted to think that it was depression but they weren't convince because I was hysterically laughing when I told them that. They didnt think I'm lonely either. That was a week ago?

iv.
Sh ran over evth that had complied her brainspace &her troubled tracks. I wasn't convince that it was bad enough but sh digged her face in her palms &sobbed. I was like steel.

iiv.
I told my mum I find th world too big. Sh said I underestimated myself. I think I weighed myself down, that's why. Th ambitions are endless. Th impossibilities are my everything. I was afraid to find myself starting to be too greedy that was why I lived on nothing. Nothing.