I've been reserved for a very long time because I'm not able to crack what we are. I've blocked every other one I dunno why I could. We never declared anth of our relationship sort & I've been dying for an official yes or no. My story is hanging like an old dead bat, immersed in th darkness of th gloomy cave. I want to end this. I want to know what I am to you; then and now, still even your face I'm starting to forget. Not that I'm entitled to know anth but I just wonder(again) sometimes about what could have been. This memory review softens my heart &when I do that too often, inexplicably, it creates an opposite effect. It will inflame my misanthropy & my hatred towards you too, but all in all, you know I miss you.Well ofcourse you don't know that. You &your impervious, oblivious, ego shit character explains our drastic downfall.

I remembered you keep assuming I've been over you &I'm better off, that you are too notorious for me, that I'm too young to understand (!!!!) [I mind read, you know. Though you never said that], that th distance is going to be utterly heavy. Ofcourse its complicated, I so understand. I was somewhat less differential. My spastic, unreal actions might have just been a passing condition caused by sheer terror. I have always been afraid of love. You didn't know that. You only knew, If you have me, you would; if not, you never will. But I am not like that. You said as long as long as I knew I'd done everything I could, then I wouldn't be sorry later. I wouldn't wonder. Now that I am, it proves right?

I now see I was guarded, keeping an arm's length btw us, never thinking about you first. Withholding smth. I guess feminism had left a profound mark in my adolescent head; I didn't want any of us to get hurt and be fooled, I tried proving my strength and pointing to you Romeos out there. I'm a big downer, I know. But I couldn't just put th blame on myself, alone. Fuck! Heck, its not as if it means anything more to us now don't we?

But somewhere in th recesses of your sweet heart &your hard head, i want to believe you still care. Nevertheless, I'm not going to waste my time any more &risk my credibility(to myself) by waiting. Its easy to be yielding and vulnerable and grateful when you're scared shitless; but I guess I'm on th brink. Nothing like this would ever happen if your pride wasn't so cumbersome.
Its a one way track. This heart's about to leave and I ain't coming back. I'm not trying to be difficult.I just gotta do what's best for me. To finally change &I won't look back.

Sorry, & love(seasonally),