I guess everything has its own limits.
From being patient, to th joking tones, to work, to help, to being vigilant, to be attentive, to show passion, to friendship &love. That's why NOTHING LAST FOREVER or why its called EARTH, not HEAVEN or bullshits like that. I'm freaking sick of everything that I'd figured my heart did actually shrink in social science, because I DO NOT WANT TO CARE. I let it flow, I let life pass me by, I let people talk about me, I let my brothers eat my food (usually I wont), I let my dad to change th channel when I'm watching FRIENDS, I let my phone drop &pick it up 5 minutes later, I let people embarrass themselves, I would let anybody to slap me, I would even let robbers slip away; I JUST DON'T CARE! But there's certain things I still do, it just won't be obvious, I guess. Ummu said I'm actually (!!) nice only its so bloody deep to dig to find that I am.

I asked YeeHui for a badminton round just now. I did this everytime I'm low, yes Dori, or emo-but not to YHui only lah-to anybody that lives nearby. I eat words like raisins, a word at a time, but digesting nothing, nothing at all. Sports, walks at night &novels gives me a sense of purpose &completion without burdening me with knowledge of things I can't do about; like Maths or O's. & It does reduce th strain on my neck, or enlighten th weight on my shoulders, or pulling out some pins in my head. But still, I'm just living for today- until I see some light, some love, I'll start living for tomorrow.

There's this one special thing about friendship-which is trying extremely hard to battle anything negative about th person &see it in another light. Obviously you're not, you just fuckingly go on being unhappy about it. &I don't see why as a friend you couldn't find this one single spark of content for me, &it hurts. Its not about th whole glory or th fucking recognition because I could even toss it all out in th drain if it makes all of you feel better. I wasn't chasing anything at first, &with all these emotions, I really do not know how I should be tackling th damn bloody thing; be happy, grateful, guilty(??), deserving (????), wretched because some others want it (??????), convince th teachers I shouldn't get it cause everything was so damn unpredictable (????!!). I was neutral &yeah I guess that's not good enough too. Friends is an easy title but to know whether a friend needs it alot, some or a little is th most crucial thing. &In th end, th one who's taking your hands &pulling you up to your two feet, is th true-st. There's no use for me to try-to try be your friend, to try to feel what you feel, to try to understand, to try to be selfless, to try to punch myself &make me feel so low, to try not to feel th sense of what I'm suppose to feel, because in th end, you won't appreciate everything that I'm doing, because you love to bring me down all th time, because you're selfish, because you have a bloody pride &everything else is horrible under your eyes. &I couldn't change that. &I'm capitulating, I'm surrendering what's left, I'm washing my hands off. &I hope it th best. I hope this is what you want, for me to give up.



"Strong Enough"

As I rest against this cold, hard wall
Will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weakness for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime?
Is there anyway to be made whole again?
If I'm healed,renewed, and find forgiveness find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan?

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

He took my life into his hands and it turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I've finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank You for my chance to start again

Labels: Never felt so low.