Today I realised I remained silent for purposes that would've given me advantage;

1;
Not t crash everybody else's train of thoughts

2;
I had t be very careful w my words as they might appear t be unessential or less than enough t their pitch of expectations. I'm afraid I couldn't be enough. I've brought people down too much; I'm clearly blurred by how t not do so anymore.

3;
T listen intently t their certain perspectives as it could drive me towards a different direction since I have t start anew; which pretty means I need t start absorbing things that could mould me into smth I didn't fear t become, into someone my inner strength could handle, into everythhing that I wanna be after these 16 years.

4;
I was frantic t find th voice in my head again; th one that was afraid of th waves of silence as they lapped me up, washing away th gravity of my thoughts t desperate needs of delapidation. I couldn't keep up w what I lost anymore; I knew I've misplaced it but could I find them back? Would my mistakes for an hour make me suffer for a lifetime? Would god still wanna lend me a hand or does he wanna punish me &let me pursue my path on my own; giving me less than significant dyi things t begin w? Is getting dumped in th dirt; flat on th face, not enough for a proper infliction?

5;
Over &over again, I only wanted t believe that this thought lowdown is only leading me into a more calm, collective &reserved girl. I have long gotten used t th creep that had lost th trail of th voice of reasoning &th voice that once encouraged love, that I didn't afford t push myself any harder because I'm confident I'll get lost in th end anyway. I didn't know this effortless struggle could pull me deeper in th ruins, t what I ended up t become. Th way I died set aside some left over courage &strength t figure how I wanna offer myself this time.

6;
I had starved myself, pretending t be someone so high up, fearless &fearful but I let myself fall &fail only t figure myself creating an evil sucker who drain love out of ppl because I didn't believe in it & I couldn't find it, feel it. I was so selfish, but thats not what I intent t be, which hurts. Letting my loved ones feel neglected &low makes it stings even harder.

7;
Day by day, life uncovers t show hediously how incompetent I am. Vulnerable &weak. Hadn't you wish before that you wouldn't have t deal w th onotological cruelty of sucking at th things you love most? Its th least dysfunctional a person could feel. But being broken is very compelling t push you t walk this Earth w less conceit; but w humble, &concern.