I'm in bad shape (both physically &mentally); but I'm not playing th love-card here, so you guys are not in for a some tragic movie-of th-week pitch. I'll do my best t describe just what my converse have walked through for th last few days.
This morning, like every other morning for these past few weeks; I dare not take a look of my full view in any of th mirrors in th house (&we do have alot, man)cause I might as well painstakingly replay th sickening soundtrack of their views abt my state of body.
"Ridiculously scary..What you've been locked up in th cell or smth?."
&They kept on asking me what happened, hoping t catch a flow of some bizarre moments that is taking a toll here in my story. I would like t feed them some entertainment for sure but my creativity instantly leaked out from th soles of my feet &manuevered itself into self-conscious (or self-doubts whichever appropriate).
I was practically saying this all th time, "That bad meh?"
They were just, "Honestly Naf what's wrong? Your bones are all...brrr.. showing."
&To have especially consecutively put up with their widening eyes is abit unbearable.

Today I decided t put on an electric blue LTD (little topshop dress) with a black converse.
I walked through th overhead bridge, then across th bustop. &Then I came across my bro's friends; &so while we were chatting, I was aware tt th rest of th bunch were scanning me up &down as if I was a property, a thing; like as if I was a slave, a slave t fashion perhaps. If thats what they were even thinking. Maybe they thought I was too poor t have a proper 3 meals per day routine. Suddenly I felt so filthy &then excused myself.
For once in my life I was uneasy under my own skin. Its like I felt naked; completely exposed &shameful. Th mrt ride was better. Music made me feel better. Thinking abt another kind of pain was so much better. But right out at th streets; those kind of glares begin again.
I was like, "Oh come on, in America this is pretty normal you stupid bozos" Not like I care anw.
They were staring as if I was able t disemble myself at any moment, like I was expected t trip over th floor &just stop breathing/moving whatever, like I'm a skeleton given a life all over again.
I started walking tremendously fast over t Tiq's workplace, soon running. I was panting when I met her.
"Hey you okay or not? Dont collapse!!"
"Oh gosh seeee! I am fine, I feel good. Those monsters out there they were looking at me as if I'm gonna die on th spot! I kinda wish I am aneroxic or bullimic or smth t save me from th exhaustion of figuring out what th hell is wrong w me!"
"Go for a check-up or smth.. Who knows there's a worm in your body or smth! Hahaha, yeah but let's hope not. I mean ofc not! But you really cannot deny that th sound of food dont exite you anymore"
Fact is, me &my parents have been thinking about it too, 'this worm-possibility' thingy but they just finally concluded that I was just really being a couch potato whilst having th mentality that im gonna be fine w/o food .........................................................................................................................................................................
when Im biting my nails thinking there's a bit more depth t where that came from; I just couldnt be bothered. Im gonna surivive tho.

Labels: Driving me wild.