My gradual awakening is seeing myself becoming what I don't want to be rather than what I want; to see what is happening to me, what I'm losing &what may lie ahead.
This is harder to witness because I know exactly where everything went wrong, my difficult influences, my barriers, my company &my decisions. All my other pain is blameless; while this psychic pain of mine is laced with guilt of knowing I didn't do anything to stop it, that I couldn't have comforts in my mind, what more in my heart.

There is nothing stronger than me wanting not to be with you than wanting to be with anybody at all. I know resentment is strong; but me resenting, is more than powerful; it makes me powerless. I'm to blame because I seek to let you in &now, I desperately want you out.
But there you are; accusing me of having standards, of wanting somebody better, of me being all that &belittling everyone else.

How can I possibly have th liberty of feeling belonged when everyone who have set their eyes on me, expect a little something when I didn't even want to offer them anything; not a piece of my story, not even a piece of my heart. Just a few months back; I didn't want to stop talking, I want to share everything I have with anybody I can. But I have stopped searching. I've stopped seeing colours. Could it be that I've stopped having faith too?

Its monotonous; the conversations &th actions we divert each day. Money, clubbing, clothes, the IT clique, insignificant famous people, condos, brands, new hottest trends &what not? Was I unreliable when I said faces were showing insights? Or are they shedding off? Or could they be just stone cold empty?