When it looks like things are just unraveling, I often find myself back on th starting line. Its exhausting to have to always push myself to begin again. I ended giving up. I dont expect to kneel down all th way to th ground &scream to th sky, then run to a holy river &find salvation. But I dont expect to trust anybody who jumps up on me to take a chance.
I keep telling myself to keep on trying, but trying is what losers do. You'll see us fail again.

I know my words keep revolving around my big fuckups, my stupid affairs and my refusal to let life show me its incredible juice but what you didnt know is how fucking annoying my optimism really is, which I never wrote of. Expectations are one thing; but expectations accompanied by imaginations, are 2 ruthless companions altogether. They never made it to real life. Call me up &tell me when they ever did; &you'll find out its never accurate. &That leads me to this whole cynicism cover-up. I dont want to be disappointed over &over again by some built-up imaginary, dreamy situation in my sub-conscious; how dumb can that be?

I'm not here to find nirvana, not to ball up into Gandhi; & I'm not a simple person, no matter how I try to be but I know they are th little things that makes me happy &calm. Like when I can smell th rain when it hits th ground, when someone says "hey, I miss you" &not, "Oi, I miss you", when anybody at all acknowledges me w a smile, when he accidentally trips when he sees me, when I get to light a candle or a flame, when I get uninterrupted time to read, when I can listen to my favourite music, when I get to eat cheap &great food or when I take a walk w my bestfriend &feel th wind slapping against my skin. I'm not such a downer, but I wont be th most cheerful girl you'll ever meet.

I'm like a candle. Someone can light me up, someone can put me off; but I'll always have that flame in me. Always.