Out of all th many things that have failed me, I will always know that one thing is worth fighting for. I certainly dunno what is hurting me then &now or what I want to be doing l8r in th future, but I will always know what kind of woman I want to be. My careless dreams have started to abandon me though, leaving me feeling like a forgotten under a rock, or better yet, th rock itself- not so useless, but not useful enough.

Succumbed by danger, I want to believe I've been hit by a truck &not that I was self-inflicting; that maybe I had suffered from a concussion- that my lack of vision &my past is obscuring my sight to demand anything outrageous from myself but to start small &live near th white line; careful yet timid. Simplicity for some is satisfactory. I think at most occasion, I feel simplicity is scarcity. I live by my own definition &would not compromise that. Seeking extraordinary or wanting smth more is not greed- it is celebrating and maximizing your potential. Demanding excellence is definitely mandatory to me.

Yet wanting so much with little competence makes me feel trapped in between four walls that were closing in every second, no windows, only dungeonlike doors that have no visible keys- just a still, damp air of absence &bleakness. Th only positivity left is my flicker of dream that is also, seemingly to leak out of my feet & sucked to th ground by a force of whirlpool. Losing th courage to reach out for th impossible is killing me. Being afraid of both loneliness &th spotlight of attention bares me naked.

I know I'm a wallflower by nature but I dream of being in th limelight. I imagine falling into a life full of theatrics, of people who doesnt look over my shoulders but stare straight through my eyes, who'll make me shy enough to look away a few moments later. I have plans of doing th most ridiculous things on Earth but I dont think I've neared one whose altitude is parallel to mine. I am a girl tangled with contradictions. A girl who despite to want to be made up in brains what she lacked in pedigree. Sh who refused to be locked up in lecture theatres &staring blankly at numbers &transparency. Who bites her nails in class with no notes on her tables but empty pieces of papers to sketch on with &write literature with no education of such.

In th end, maybe its not th situational things that are failing me, but maybe my denial of wanting to fit in crushes my possibility of attaining anything at all. Still a traditionalist at heart, I believe things happen for a reason &good things come for those who wait. Enclosed in th visionary of my head, it's a free man's land, &I havent thought of building barriers of such. So to speak. Inspire me, impress me. I'm a kid all over.