1.
I wish I could feel numb again, but I couldn't remember how I'd managed it before; I didn't have t try, th last time. Th growing emptiness is nagging at my mind &making me think of things that would cause me pain. I want t remember th warmth from his hand, th forbidden feeling that once left me breathless, &th explosion of eagerness &nervousness when he's around; when he cracked my favourite smile, when he forced me t talk or laugh, whatsoever. All that I was allowed t remember was how I shuddered at his image, how I felt my eyes filled with hot tears &th ache around th edges of th hole in my chest; being my best friend (or foe anw). Its been far too long now since I've been straddling on empty air, digging my healed skin, over &over again t want t be reliefed on finding that hole again. I wanted th damage t be permanent &irreversible; t remind me that I had once loved & been loved, that I wasn't alone &I shouldn't be. I'd rather be taken on an onslaught; his onslaught, while dealing w th pain of wanting t see him again than having t live w his non-existent &starting t lose consciousness over not finding him at th forefront of my mind anymore. I don't know which one I feared more, t think of it.
2.
He had taken far too much time, that I dont wanna surrender th reluctance of doing repetitions of this, w many different others. I dislike th idea, very much. I thought I like being normal again, but I'm only left gasping th nothingness in front of me; unaware of what I'm missing. Oh well, there comes a point right? When you have t accept ppl change, you change &life have t go on. We'll always love each other, but it was just too hard. Love should be easy. Life is hard enough.
3.
When is school starting?! Th daily routine of going out til late at night is becoming such a lull(!!!!!!!!!!!) ( I thought I wouldn't get tired of it). I need t start doing something new before I grow old again, &apparently telling ppl I'm 17 this year isn't much of a pleasure.
"So, this is your no?"
"Yes."
"Your age, pls"
"16"
"This year?"
(Raise ayebrows, acting pretty confident, fronting him as if he dare doubt me)
"Uh huh"(my voice suddenly dismuffled)
"Well......"
"Fine, 17. urghh"
Cause c'mon, 16 sounds like you're more allowed t be dismissed by any mistakes or immaturity (or stupidity anw) from th grown ups. As in, it's more accepted; like we still can be forgiven &given chances because they have less expectations on us. But nearing 17 is when they start on building some prospects of us ending up in whatever their hopes were, where we have t start t decide &apprehend on our own t what's out there in life for us &how t handle things aggresively mature no matter how we catch life at its best or worst. There's like a new &different type of weight that we have t carry on now, not only about O's but more t Uni, degree, career, money, house, old ones getting older, then t starting a family (but its still eeeeeeeeeeee for now). Blurgh, yucks.
4.
I wanna meet alot of new ppl, t be on a lighter spirit than getting pulled down on an emotional debris. I wanna new chronicle of my days; where each one begins &ends w a dodged or undodged bullet. I wanna laugh real hard again til I get hiccups &start kicking around, til my eyes start t water. Mostly, I wanna love &be love; th feeling's nice isn't it? Well, is it?
5.
Oh &this post gonna hold for quite awhile which explains why I write so much. &Theee blog's getting pointless since I dunno what I'm writing about or who th hell's visiting &reading cause it builts such irony when I said initially I didn't want ppl t even read. Writing online just gives me th satisfaction itself, then. Now, I think I want t write for a bigger purpose, t reach out t anyone, &give them an edge of my perspective &give anybody some voice. But since I dont think anyone's reading (blink blink), it defeats th purpose. I think I should just turn t black &white. But maybe I shouldn't touch it, no.
6.
Peektures before I finally decided t chop my hair.....

Labels: Nothing's gonna stop me anyway.